Revisiting Lebanon Trip

Prioritizing is my theme lately. What am I prioritizing, I don't know. And I'm not really prioritizing per se, rather letting things slip and picking up others. I'm in the autopilot mode since I came back from Lebanon; actually, since before I left to Lebanon. No emotions, or rather, there are emotions and many feelings, but I'm not in sync with them. Blocking them? Most likely. I have not shed a tear or thought about things since I got back to the US... Oh, there's so much to cry about--so much! But, here comes prioritizing it seems, and crying is not productive, hence not a priority.

Ennis and Juju could become US citizens very soon. The applications I submitted have been approved. It took less then six weeks for the approval to come--I'm impressed. Now, their father has to agree and get them to the US embassy to take immigrant visas. Once they set foot in the US, they immediately become US citizens.

Ennis and Juju, Moody and Tala. They belong to two completely different worlds. They have different norms, standards, and values. The gap is so wide and deep that I wonder if it could ever lessen or their worlds come closer. I pretty much doubt it. Ennis and Juju are everything I ever wished my kids not to be. Juju is a 70-year-old woman in the body of a 10-year-old girl. Ennis, well, he's constantly in fights and he once pulled a knife on another kid. As if it's not bad enough they are victims of a divorce, they are also victims of the environment surrounding them and those caring for them. Victims of a mentality that wants to make up for the loss of a mother and to display to the observants that they are not missing much. Consequentially, there's abundance of spoiling, corruption, materialism, and lack of discipline. Why am I not crying?

Having said that, is it contradictory to say I'm not judging my kids or blaming them for the way they are? I know those are the facts and not acknowledging them or being cognizant of them does not serve any purpose. The purpose, I think, is to find and make peace with those facts.