And Life Goes On!

I'm scheduled to start radiation and chemotherapy on April 19th. Tests have been going on since October to determine if there's a recurrence. Biopsy is negative, CT-Scan is negative, but PET-Scan was not. Another biopsy was taken yesterday with not much success. The doctors were not interested in the biopsy, but I insisted. I told them that if it comes positive, it will stop the what-if's going in my head all the time; it would give me peace of mind if you can call it that... My name, Hana, means peace of mind!

I went in today to do the planning for the radiation treatment. That's when I get tattoos on my body to mark the area to be treated. Dr. Kim told me that he'd order an ultrasound-guided biopsy before I start treatment. He is now looking for some conclusive evidence of the recurrence. It's a puzzle to them since I'm healthy with no indication of a recurrence but for the lump in my abdomen and the PET-scan. The route is that I will go through with the treatment either way. Better safe than sorry.

It is amazing how the body and mind adjust and learn how to deal with this situation. I am not the same I was a year ago, and at times, I'm surprised at my own reaction and coping with the fact that I have a terminal illness. I guess it is the survival instinct. And I don't believe it has to do with being strong or anything like that--it's simply human nature.

The prospect of imminent death brings on a different kind of maturity and a new look to one's life. Dealing with this situation is an emotional experience, an intense one. For me, first there was denial; then anger, depression, and sadness; and now finally peace. Yes, I'm in peace with whatever life brings me.

I will live my life to the fullest. Cancer cannot define my life or my lifestyle, and I sure do not want it to define who I am and my relations with friends, family, and the world. I want to be in constant touch with family and friends, but I don' want my illness or treatment to be the focus or the driver of those relations. I will talk about my struggle when I feel like it. I want to talk more about life and its wonders, ups, and downs and everything in between. I want to live life!

I've had a good life and will continue to have a wonderful life... as long as I'm alive!