How am I Feeling?

A question no one asks me. It feels like I'm staring death in the face and it is not flinching one tiny bit. Things are out of my control in MY OWN life. I don't know where I'm heading or what's going to happen to me in few months or years. I'm just going along with the treatment hoping the outcome is good. But I keep thinking, what if it is not; why should I endure the suffering of chemotherapy and radiation for months to come? What's the point if there could be no gains? So many thoughts and so many questions all gloomy, none bright.

I have the chemo pump installed, connected to me 24 hours a day and goes with me every where, even in bed. It's my buddy for 4 more weeks. I also have been going to radiotherapy every day at 2:30. That will continue for 5 weeks, one down. Every Monday morning, a nurse will come in to draw blood. If the blood count is good, I go in for a refill of the pump before the radiotherapy session. If all goes well, I will be done around February 3rd. I will then have a break for 4 to 5 weeks before the next terrible chemo cycle.

I was told that the side effects will kick in after the 2nd or 3rd week. Guess what? They kicked in after the 3rd freaking DAY! Nausea and slight fatigue. The bad thing is that I have a reaction to most nausea medicines, they make me agitated. So it's been very hard to control it. Worse still is I do not vomit, since I don't have a stomach, but I have what they call dry heaves. My rib cage muscles hurt from the spasms they go through.

I went to work on Tuesday and Friday (Wed. and Thur. were holidays). Needed it to change the scenery and feel like I'm in control again--a joke! It went OK with me leaving around 1 to go to the hospital everyday. I'm trying to work things out with my manager to see if I could work from home on certain days of the week. I think it will work out.

Yesterday, we had friends over. They brought dinner and their kids. The kids enjoyed the company, had lots of fun and sent a tornado through the basement. We adults had a good time too, chatting and laughing. Reminds me of the saying: "Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul". It was very nice and thoughtful of our friends.

Today, we're visiting other friends. To me, those visits are a blessing. They make me forget and enjoy myself and the company for a while.
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