Worrying about Ennis and Juju, while sitting here alone in Fort Wayne, away from Moody and Tala and Sol, makes things even worse and makes the world feel more lonely... I feel more alone!
My mind was set that one day I will write about my previous marriage and divorce. I want to write it for my kids, the four of them, to know why and how it happened. I want to write about the choices I had and the decisions I had to make and made.
The last two weeks re-agitated many forgotten, unhealed wounds. It's as if I'm in the middle of the divorce again, facing the possibility of being separated from my children. Did I really forget the pain of separation? No, but life happens and keeps happening. Eventually one loses sight of the things that are not in focus.
Now, I ask myself: How could I write about all that happened back then? What I write will bring more pain, and will jeopardize some relations time managed to heal. I can't write about my ex-husband for he's the father of my children. I can't write about all the people that let me down when I needed them then--those that not only turned their backs on me, but helped separate me and the kids... Those are my parents, my sisters, my best friend--all of whom I still love. I don't want to hurt any of them anymore. How do I explain to my children that my family deserted me because I brought them shame by wanting to be a “divorced woman”?
Could I ever forget or forgive? No, but life goes on! What could bring back the forever-lost times for my children and me? Who could give them back to us? Maybe we will have time together again, but the bygone times will never be again!
The wounds are still alive; the pain is still alive; I still can't deal with it--I don't want to deal with it. So, I decided I will not write my story.