Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Damn the war for bringing all this back!

Worrying about Ennis and Juju, while sitting here alone in Fort Wayne, away from Moody and Tala and Sol, makes things even worse and makes the world feel more lonely... I feel more alone!

My mind was set that one day I will write about my previous marriage and divorce. I want to write it for my kids, the four of them, to know why and how it happened. I want to write about the choices I had and the decisions I had to make and made.

The last two weeks re-agitated many forgotten, unhealed wounds. It's as if I'm in the middle of the divorce again, facing the possibility of being separated from my children. Did I really forget the pain of separation? No, but life happens and keeps happening. Eventually one loses sight of the things that are not in focus.

Now, I ask myself: How could I write about all that happened back then? What I write will bring more pain, and will jeopardize some relations time managed to heal. I can't write about my ex-husband for he's the father of my children. I can't write about all the people that let me down when I needed them then--those that not only turned their backs on me, but helped separate me and the kids... Those are my parents, my sisters, my best friend--all of whom I still love. I don't want to hurt any of them anymore. How do I explain to my children that my family deserted me because I brought them shame by wanting to be a “divorced woman”?

Could I ever forget or forgive? No, but life goes on! What could bring back the forever-lost times for my children and me? Who could give them back to us? Maybe we will have time together again, but the bygone times will never be again!

The wounds are still alive; the pain is still alive; I still can't deal with it--I don't want to deal with it. So, I decided I will not write my story.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. I am so very sorry for you, your children and this damn war. I posted a comment thinking you were talking about explaining why you divorced your ex-husband. So I deleted it. May God hold you in his arms along with your family and children. Sandi

  3. You are a very brave and strong woman. Writing your story doesn't have to hurt anyone because you could write from your perspective. It would be a wonderful way to bridge the last 7 - 8 years. Otherwise they have no way of knowing you. Children typically have few memories of age 3 or before. They have more from age 4. The hole you feel, they feel too. I am impressed at your drive and ambition. I am sure Suliman will give you the strength to achieve your dreams. It is obvious he loves you deeply.

  4. im praying for your beautiful children and all affected people in this damn war. Allah with you.

  5. Thank you Sandi, Anglolibyan and Trabilsia.

    Ennis and Juju made it to Syria today and they're already on their way to Qatar. Waiting for their call and so relieved.

  6. Hello Hana,

    Thank God for the good news. I've been praying since you told me they are fleeing to syria. and hoepfully you can get them to the US.

    Still thinking of you.


  7. My Dearest Hana,
    Write.. by all means write.. write your story not for anyone else but for you.. and keep it private if you need to. It will bring back memories, perhaps open some wounds.. but I assure you it will help you to close them as well by revisiting those times and really understanding the emotion. Closure is key. And if you are afraid to write and revisit those places that have obviously caused you so much pain, you will never really move on.

    Can you forgive? Yes. But you will never forget and you do not need to to continue to live a life at peace with those you love. Times do not need to be brought back... there is a reason for everything in Allah's plan and the time to look at is now and moving forward. Perhaps your purpose is to teach others, to contribute to your community what you have learned.. who knows. But look for that instead of focusing on the negative...

    I am so sorry for your loneliness and worry about your family... reach out and try to be as in touch as possible, as involved as you can (if you can).. so they feel your presence.

    Never say you CAN NOT deal with it.. I believe in you. Perhaps you need the support system in order to start but I assure you, it is all there.. I hope one day soon you can revisit those places and make your peace with them so they can be left where they belong - in the past.

    Big kisses and hugs to you.

  8. Dear Hanu,
    Thank God that your children are safe at last! I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers.

  9. I am sorry for you Hanu, May Allah Safe them and return them for you savely.Always praying for Lebanon and Palstine children.

  10. Salam Hanu I am so relieved that Ennis and Juju are safe -Alhamdulilah !!!!!!

    Enjoy that and plan for their life later.

    Nura has said what needs to be said best and I will never be able to beat her words . However, dear Hanu if you want to be at PEACE you need to talk about what happened in the past and not bury it no matter how painful. I'm not saying this because I'm curious about your story ( because believe me we all have painful stories to tell) but merely because I feel that the time is ripe and you need and WANT to talk about it .

    By having written this post you have reached out to your friends in cyberspace. Believe me the comforting words of other humans - we all need that. Rest assured that whatever choices you made were the best you could do under whatever circumstances you were in, and maybe if this current war on Lebanon has any positive outcome it would be to move things from the stalemate they were in and get you your children back. 'Wi ilm shaml el 3ela' as they say.I'm sure Suliman would love to have all your children toghether and that you would love to come visit Libya no matter how painful !

    You are in my thoughts my dear even if I'm not a frequent commenter.


  11. (((hugs)))

    Do let us know when you've heard from them.

  12. Yes, we are all relieved the kids made it out and are now safe. But, it's not over yet! The war is still raging on. The kids are now displaced and considered refugees in Qatar. No body knows what the future holds for them... Coming to the US is the best option available for them at the time being, but that's a far fetched thing to happen. Going to Libya is another option, but the visa issue is another complication for both countries. In the US, they need to first be approved as immigrant children of a US parent; a process that takes 6 to 9 months. Last year, they were rejected a visa to enter Libya. How much more absurd could it be? I'm Libyan, but my children need a visa to visit my homeland and their family there. A visa that was not given to them because of the Sader conflict between Libya and Lebanon--how absurd! At the same time I see flocks of westerners and other foreigners entering Libya as they please. That's how much Libya values its citizens and their rights.

    They have a chance of getting an entry visa to Libya now that patriotism is in the air and everybody wants to be a hero helping Lebanon and the Lebanese. Bottom line: May all the Arab leaders rot in hell, if there's hell!

    Thank you all, my friends, for your comments and support. I value your input. This is an issue I need to face and deal with sooner or later--and I'd guess the sooner the better. I don't think I'm ready yet; things are still fogged, and the future is very ambiguous.

    You gotta believe it when people say there's always a bright side to everything. The good side of the Israeli-Lebanese war is I got connected to my children again. I've been calling them daily; Juju waits near the phone at the time I usually call them. She and Ennis have been joking around, giggling and laughing with me on the phone. I sent them a care package by mail yesterday, something I've given up on since all my mail was returned to me rejected from Lebanon. My US passport is on its way back to me, my Libyan passport is being renewed and I might go see them once they settle down, wherever that's going to be. So there you go, a bright side to the war.

  13. WOW! You have an amazing story to tell, once which Americans have no idea abouth. If you decide to write, write, but if you don't at least create a writting for all of your children. They will no their mmom is a hero.

  14. Thank God your children are safe and you are able to talk to them.

    Anonymous - There are many Americans who value life, and feel the pain regarding losing our family members in these damn wars! WW1,WW2, NORMANDY, - WAR IS WAR AND IS VERY VERY UGLY.

    I hope you will be seeing your children and family very soon. Thank you for sharing your tragic story with us all. We will continue to pray for you and your family.