Sunday, June 13, 2010

I'm Scared!

Why is it that everything seems to be falling apart around me? I look fine, energetic, and even feel happy and healthy. But at times I question what I'm really feeling. Is it all pretence? Am I trying to fool myself and those around me? I am so confused and feel like swinging back and forth in my emotional and mental state. I'm on a roller coaster and I hate it and want to get off of it!

What to do?

I have abundance of information about a diet to help cure cancer and other things that have been tried and proven to work in Maria's case, my sister-in-law. But I can't get myself to start on it. It seems everything requires a lot of work, effort, and thinking. I don't feel like doing anything anymore or committing to anything!

My skin is still terribly irritated and not healing yet. On Tuesday, I had foot cramps which I've been getting frequently. I stood to walk it off, walked few steps and felt dizzy. I told Sol I was blacking out and leaned on the stairs rail. Next thing I know, Sol was tapping me on the face calling "Hannu, Hannu...", him and Tala lifting me up and Moody trying to call 911. Apparently I passed out. It was the first time in my life I pass out. It worries me; do I have a brain tumor? Was it a blood clot? Was it, was it...? I should call the doctor, but I've had my fill of bad news...

What to do?

The support I need is for the ones I love to be around me, next to me, and take care of me... I'm tired! I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I don't want to worry about a thing, I just want to rest and feel loved and cared for... and on my own way. But what I get is phone calls, and I don't know how to convey that the phone calls, though nice to have, are sometimes a source of stress. The timing, the questions I have to answer, the updates I have to give, the questions I get when calls go unanswered. The never-ending demands around me, the kids' never-stop questions, the decisions I constantly have to make, the things I have to monitor and keep track of... Can't I just be left alone?

What to do... What to do...? All I want is peace and serenity... That's what Hana means, but will I ever have them?

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